Advisors engage the ‘out-spouse’ in couple finances

Advisors are changing meeting and onboarding practices to include the less vocal partner in couples’ financial planning after a memoir by Belle Burden and recent research drew attention to cases where one spouse lacked knowledge of household wealth.

Burden, an heiress, wrote that she learned little about her household finances until her marriage ended and she faced costly consequences during divorce proceedings. Financial planners report the memoir prompted conversations within the industry about client engagement.

Planners and firm leaders say one partner often speaks less in meetings and may not understand investments or estate plans. Women fill that quieter role more often, though advisors report men sometimes take the same position when their partner leads. Lisa Kirchenbauer, senior advisor at Omega Wealth Management, describes asking both prospects three open-ended questions during pre-onboarding to bring quieter partners into the discussion: what they would do with unlimited money; what they would do if they had five to 10 years to live; and what they would regret not doing with 24 hours left.

Advisors link lack of engagement to later problems in planning and client retention. Erin Botsford, founder and CEO of The Advisor Authority, warned during a June 17 webinar that a disengaged spouse can reverse decisions made in meetings. She used the phrase “absolute veto power” to describe the ability of a partner to block or undo agreements after leaving the meeting.

Firms describe specific practices to involve both partners. Omega Wealth requires active participation from both people during onboarding, runs a communication exercise to record how each person prefers to receive information, and tailors follow-up materials to each partner. In meetings, some advisors interrupt a dominant speaker, invite the quieter partner to respond first, and call out inattention with prompts such as “I think I’m losing you. Tell me a bit about what money means to you.” Those steps are intended to increase understanding and signoff from both partners.

Research provides data on gaps in preparedness. One report found that 80% of women who had already inherited money had not discussed the inheritance or known relatives’ financial situations in advance. Among widowed women, 83% identified difficulties tied to a lack of a financial plan, conflicts among heirs, or surprises about family finances. A multi-year study tracking perceptions from 2019 to 2023 found rising shares of women reporting differential treatment by advisors: 48% felt treated differently, 48% felt patronized, and 40% said advisors were less likely to listen to them by 2023.

Advisor-training programs and firm policies now emphasize engaging both partners during initial meetings and in ongoing communications. Planners describe these steps as a professional duty aimed at ensuring both parties understand plans and reducing the likelihood of disputes later.